It's (obviously) been awhile since I updated this blog, but I'm glad to be back. Let's get started, shall we?
I have decided recently, with a clear mind, to dive head-first into doing the things I fear. Getting a tattoo, buying a car by myself (and negotiating it splendidly I might add), and smoking more pot are just some of the things I've done so far. I know that to a casual observer, these things may be silly. I can understand that, however for me, they were all things I feared rather greatly.
First off, I have a needle phobia. I just don't like them. I work myself up prior to getting blood drawn or getting an injection, then when it's all over, my blood pressure drops in a rush and *konk*, out I go. It's rather cute when I pass out actually. Anyway I'm sure you know where this is going: this particular phobia kept me from getting a tatt. I've wanted one for the past year or two, I could just never find anyone to go with me. Luckily I didn't go alone. And I had a few beers ahead of time, which calmed me a bit. The silliest thing was that the day after and for days after that, I had this weirdly renewed sense of self-confidence. I had done something I never thought I would get the guts to do simply because of a confounded fear I had based on a hefty sense of irrationality. To take a step towards ameliorating this fear was empowering.
By the way, shopping for a new car, alone, is frustrating and confusing, but I took it on anyway. I simply said, "Fuck It" and stopped at car dealerships for test drives. I didn't let the salesmen feed me any bullshit. I did my research, found the car I wanted and formulated a reasonable price for it. I'll admit that I did budge, but only a little (by about $200 dollars). When the salesman informed me that my proposal was not unreasonable, it felt good. Really good. Fuck, I felt like I could negotiate anything at that point.
I know, I know, this shit sounds silly. But for a guy who second guesses every decision and who doubts himself on a regular basis, these were BIG steps.
But I feel like I am making some real progress. This time two years ago, which was the last time I added to this blog, I was on my was down. I hit bottom sometime in January 2011. Since then I have made real strides in knowing myself. I don't ultimately know what I want to do with myself, but I am glad I am moving in the right direction. This "countering my fears" shit is really splendid.
And as for the pot issue, well let's just say it's treatment through immersion. :)
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday, February 12, 2010
Entries 31-45 of Aforementioned List.
31.) Go on a cruise to the Azores.
32.) Take a road trip to Maine.
33.) Fix a full Thanksgiving meal.
34.) Take a tour of a brewery.
35.) Finally learn to play slap bass.
36.) Buy the cedar colored Schecter Stiletto Bass I've wanted. (http://bass-guitars.musiciansfriend.com/product/Schecter-Stiletto-Custom5-Bass?sku=513050)
37.) Go to Canada.
38.) Put in an IV.
39.) Get over my fear of needles.
40.) Go to Ocktoberfest in Germany and get REALLY shitfaced.
41.) Sleep on the beach, in sleeping bag.
42.) Fly over the International Dateline.
43.) Build a playhouse/treehouse for my kid.
44.) Have a kid.
45.) Become a husband and stay a husband to the same wife.
32.) Take a road trip to Maine.
33.) Fix a full Thanksgiving meal.
34.) Take a tour of a brewery.
35.) Finally learn to play slap bass.
36.) Buy the cedar colored Schecter Stiletto Bass I've wanted. (http://bass-guitars.musiciansfriend.com/product/Schecter-Stiletto-Custom5-Bass?sku=513050)
37.) Go to Canada.
38.) Put in an IV.
39.) Get over my fear of needles.
40.) Go to Ocktoberfest in Germany and get REALLY shitfaced.
41.) Sleep on the beach, in sleeping bag.
42.) Fly over the International Dateline.
43.) Build a playhouse/treehouse for my kid.
44.) Have a kid.
45.) Become a husband and stay a husband to the same wife.
A Moment of Clarity.
My mother let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am a very negative person. It really got me thinking, as and after I felt sorry for myself, that it was an astute observation. Then, with some web browsing, I found this site:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14751-pessimism-and-negativity/
It's a site associated with the Lance Armstrong organization and is probably tied-in with Nike, or whatever, but it's still a bit of an eye-opener. It really tells nothing that hasn't already been pointed out by others or thought of on my own, but it made me take stock.
I fail at pointing positive aspects of other people and of situations in general. In fact, when in a position to praise, I feel a tenseness in the pit of my stomach. It's not that I don't see the positive or don't want to express praise, it just feels unnatural for some reason.
I feel an overwhelming sense of self-loathing, self-pity, worthlessness, and failure. And it's possible that others don't see that, but it is all I see. I feel trapped in my life, unable to progress or to be "enlightened." In fact, I often feel it necessary and natural to undermine the well-being of others. I dispense things like guilt trips, bouts of anger without reason, and/or, as Pete Townshend puts it, "some divine right to the blues."
I am past the point of malicious thoughts, whether directed outward or inward. But I still feel like I am trudging along, intent on taking a self-beating for some past indiscretions or missed opportunities.
However, I still do think about the future. I want to feel happy. I want to be a father at some point. I want love in my life, more than anything (When I can finally realize that my ability to love is still intact and that I should not let past relationships blacken it, I will, in a sense, "level up"). Until then, my thoughts and actions will still be struggles beyond exclusively taking Prozac and getting over it.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14751-pessimism-and-negativity/
It's a site associated with the Lance Armstrong organization and is probably tied-in with Nike, or whatever, but it's still a bit of an eye-opener. It really tells nothing that hasn't already been pointed out by others or thought of on my own, but it made me take stock.
I fail at pointing positive aspects of other people and of situations in general. In fact, when in a position to praise, I feel a tenseness in the pit of my stomach. It's not that I don't see the positive or don't want to express praise, it just feels unnatural for some reason.
I feel an overwhelming sense of self-loathing, self-pity, worthlessness, and failure. And it's possible that others don't see that, but it is all I see. I feel trapped in my life, unable to progress or to be "enlightened." In fact, I often feel it necessary and natural to undermine the well-being of others. I dispense things like guilt trips, bouts of anger without reason, and/or, as Pete Townshend puts it, "some divine right to the blues."
I am past the point of malicious thoughts, whether directed outward or inward. But I still feel like I am trudging along, intent on taking a self-beating for some past indiscretions or missed opportunities.
However, I still do think about the future. I want to feel happy. I want to be a father at some point. I want love in my life, more than anything (When I can finally realize that my ability to love is still intact and that I should not let past relationships blacken it, I will, in a sense, "level up"). Until then, my thoughts and actions will still be struggles beyond exclusively taking Prozac and getting over it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Entries 16-30 on the "100 Things I Want to Do Before Being Taken Down For Exceeding My Shelf Life" List.
Don't worry, I intend to compile this list when I finally reach 100:
16.) Climb to the summit of a mountain with a total height of more than 10,000 ft.
17.) Play bass guitar (my own music) in front of a crowd of greater than 1000.
18.) Playing bass, cover "Dance, Pt. 1" by The Rolling Stones with a band in front of a crowd.
19.) See Jeff Beck in concert, preferably in a smaller venue.
20.) Completely read an entire Physiology text book from cover to cover. (I'm a dork!)
21.) Hike at least 100 miles in no particular order or time on the AT.
22.) Make one Asian trip that entails visiting Mongolia, China, Japan, and Russia.
23.) While in Mongolia, I would like to sleep in a ger.
24.) DJ on a classic rock radio station or show.
25.) Visit all 50 states. (21 down, 29 to go.)
26.) Do professional voice-over work, whether just one commercial or more.
27.) Sing in front of a crowd of at least 100.
28.) Buy a chopper motorcycle and ride it regularly.
29.) Own my own home/condo/penthouse.
30.) Fly a Cessna.
Keep your pants on your body and your ass on the edge of your seat...
16.) Climb to the summit of a mountain with a total height of more than 10,000 ft.
17.) Play bass guitar (my own music) in front of a crowd of greater than 1000.
18.) Playing bass, cover "Dance, Pt. 1" by The Rolling Stones with a band in front of a crowd.
19.) See Jeff Beck in concert, preferably in a smaller venue.
20.) Completely read an entire Physiology text book from cover to cover. (I'm a dork!)
21.) Hike at least 100 miles in no particular order or time on the AT.
22.) Make one Asian trip that entails visiting Mongolia, China, Japan, and Russia.
23.) While in Mongolia, I would like to sleep in a ger.
24.) DJ on a classic rock radio station or show.
25.) Visit all 50 states. (21 down, 29 to go.)
26.) Do professional voice-over work, whether just one commercial or more.
27.) Sing in front of a crowd of at least 100.
28.) Buy a chopper motorcycle and ride it regularly.
29.) Own my own home/condo/penthouse.
30.) Fly a Cessna.
Keep your pants on your body and your ass on the edge of your seat...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
First 15 Entries on the "100 Things I Want to Do Before Being Taken Down For Exceeding My Shelf Life" List.
Here it is. I've been meaning to make one of those "bucket list" deals. Without further ado:
1) Go to the Grand Prix of Monaco.
2) Skydive.
3) Legitimately have the designation of "Dr." before my name.
4) Stay at a cabin on a lake in Montana with a woman I love.
5) Shoot a .45 magnum.
6) Collect FZ's "You Can't Do That on Stage Anymore" on vinyl, all volumes.
7) Sit and listen to every vinyl mentioned in #6.
8) Drive an F1 racer.
9) Buy a yellow Labrador Retriever and raise it.
10) Write a speech for someone.
11) Eat a three pound hamburger and digest said hamburger without barfing.
12) Make love on a blanket in an open field at a high altitude.
**13)See Sloan in concert.
14) Sleep for 14 hours straight, with minimal interruption.
15) Buy and learn to play a sitar.
More to come I just need to ponder on it...
1) Go to the Grand Prix of Monaco.
2) Skydive.
3) Legitimately have the designation of "Dr." before my name.
4) Stay at a cabin on a lake in Montana with a woman I love.
5) Shoot a .45 magnum.
6) Collect FZ's "You Can't Do That on Stage Anymore" on vinyl, all volumes.
7) Sit and listen to every vinyl mentioned in #6.
8) Drive an F1 racer.
9) Buy a yellow Labrador Retriever and raise it.
10) Write a speech for someone.
11) Eat a three pound hamburger and digest said hamburger without barfing.
12) Make love on a blanket in an open field at a high altitude.
**13)See Sloan in concert.
14) Sleep for 14 hours straight, with minimal interruption.
15) Buy and learn to play a sitar.
More to come I just need to ponder on it...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
No You Girls
Some people really will surprise you. For example, being unabashedly two-faced. That surprise is particularly vile in that you eventually find out this "other face" too damned late, many times at no fault of your own. It's like Sybil, except with two distinct personalities instead of sixteen.
That being said, I feel better.
Anyway, on Thursday I received a call from Bank of America regarding a job as part-time teller in Rockwood to which I applied. I had to do a phone interview, which was strange and preemptive to a face-to-face interview on Tuesday. Then on Friday I received a call about a full time job as a tech for a pharmaceutical returns company to which I had applied on Craigslist. This call was a "pre-screening" for a face-to-face interview possibly to come later. I hopefully will be getting a call on that later in the coming week.
So suddenly, I have two new job prospects. One is full time doing a lot of what I already know, and the other is part-time in something I know nothing about. The zinger is that the teller job is $10 an hour with a minimum 20 hours per week. That's like working a full time job and making $5 dollars an hour. I just wish it was a full time job with the $10/h rate instead. I have yet to learn the wages on the returns tech job (which may be more) and it's full time, with no weekends and only 9 to 5:30 every day. It would be a low "contact with customers" job and I would still be a tech.
The returns tech job definitely sounds more enticing. I just hope the pay is decent.
Anyway, back to reading Tocqueville. He is a master in early American sociology. And he was a Frenchman. Who'd a thunk it?
That being said, I feel better.
Anyway, on Thursday I received a call from Bank of America regarding a job as part-time teller in Rockwood to which I applied. I had to do a phone interview, which was strange and preemptive to a face-to-face interview on Tuesday. Then on Friday I received a call about a full time job as a tech for a pharmaceutical returns company to which I had applied on Craigslist. This call was a "pre-screening" for a face-to-face interview possibly to come later. I hopefully will be getting a call on that later in the coming week.
So suddenly, I have two new job prospects. One is full time doing a lot of what I already know, and the other is part-time in something I know nothing about. The zinger is that the teller job is $10 an hour with a minimum 20 hours per week. That's like working a full time job and making $5 dollars an hour. I just wish it was a full time job with the $10/h rate instead. I have yet to learn the wages on the returns tech job (which may be more) and it's full time, with no weekends and only 9 to 5:30 every day. It would be a low "contact with customers" job and I would still be a tech.
The returns tech job definitely sounds more enticing. I just hope the pay is decent.
Anyway, back to reading Tocqueville. He is a master in early American sociology. And he was a Frenchman. Who'd a thunk it?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Something's Happening
Going back to naming my posts with song titles like I did on MySpace.
I decided to fill out an application with Radio Shack today. Hope I didn't make a mistake.
On the subject of job applications, I am so fucking sick of them. I have the hardest time coming up with references without sounding redundant. (all of my references are pharmacists I've worked with or for) Besides, how prudently do these employers really scrutinize the words of references? Granted, I am sure none of the people you or I choose as references would ever really say anything negative or unfavorable of you or me. You did think enough about it to choose them as references, right?
It's been about a month and a half since my Grand Exit from the WAG. My only regret is that I didn't have a job lined up. Let me just say that I enjoyed my co-workers (with the exception of a few unmentionables) and I would work with them again. I just could not and would not put up with the unreasonably caustic PHARMACY PUBLIC.
Let it also be known that I like people, in general. However, when people begin to assume that they have a right to anything they want at anytime they want, a problem rears its ugly head. There seems to be an underlying ungratefulness in people. They forget that NO ONE has the natural right to ANYTHING. Many people fail to see that their "rights" are really privileges granted by some authority that, in many cases, is self-appointed.
Just remember what Kennedy said: "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I think that should have gone without saying.
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