3.2.12

It's (obviously) been awhile since I updated this blog, but I'm glad to be back. Let's get started, shall we?

I have decided recently, with a clear mind, to dive head-first into doing the things I fear. Getting a tattoo, buying a car by myself (and negotiating it splendidly I might add), and smoking more pot are just some of the things I've done so far. I know that to a casual observer, these things may be silly. I can understand that, however for me, they were all things I feared rather greatly.

First off, I have a needle phobia. I just don't like them. I work myself up prior to getting blood drawn or getting an injection, then when it's all over, my blood pressure drops in a rush and *konk*, out I go. It's rather cute when I pass out actually. Anyway I'm sure you know where this is going: this particular phobia kept me from getting a tatt. I've wanted one for the past year or two, I could just never find anyone to go with me. Luckily I didn't go alone. And I had a few beers ahead of time, which calmed me a bit. The silliest thing was that the day after and for days after that, I had this weirdly renewed sense of self-confidence. I had done something I never thought I would get the guts to do simply because of a confounded fear I had based on a hefty sense of irrationality. To take a step towards ameliorating this fear was empowering.

By the way, shopping for a new car, alone, is frustrating and confusing, but I took it on anyway. I simply said, "Fuck It" and stopped at car dealerships for test drives. I didn't let the salesmen feed me any bullshit. I did my research, found the car I wanted and formulated a reasonable price for it. I'll admit that I did budge, but only a little (by about $200 dollars). When the salesman informed me that my proposal was not unreasonable, it felt good. Really good. Fuck, I felt like I could negotiate anything at that point.

I know, I know, this shit sounds silly. But for a guy who second guesses every decision and who doubts himself on a regular basis, these were BIG steps.

But I feel like I am making some real progress. This time two years ago, which was the last time I added to this blog, I was on my was down. I hit bottom sometime in January 2011. Since then I have made real strides in knowing myself. I don't ultimately know what I want to do with myself, but I am glad I am moving in the right direction. This "countering my fears" shit is really splendid.

And as for the pot issue, well let's just say it's treatment through immersion. :)