A Moment of Clarity.

My mother let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am a very negative person. It really got me thinking, as and after I felt sorry for myself, that it was an astute observation. Then, with some web browsing, I found this site:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14751-pessimism-and-negativity/

It's a site associated with the Lance Armstrong organization and is probably tied-in with Nike, or whatever, but it's still a bit of an eye-opener. It really tells nothing that hasn't already been pointed out by others or thought of on my own, but it made me take stock.

I fail at pointing positive aspects of other people and of situations in general. In fact, when in a position to praise, I feel a tenseness in the pit of my stomach. It's not that I don't see the positive or don't want to express praise, it just feels unnatural for some reason.

I feel an overwhelming sense of self-loathing, self-pity, worthlessness, and failure. And it's possible that others don't see that, but it is all I see. I feel trapped in my life, unable to progress or to be "enlightened." In fact, I often feel it necessary and natural to undermine the well-being of others. I dispense things like guilt trips, bouts of anger without reason, and/or, as Pete Townshend puts it, "some divine right to the blues."

I am past the point of malicious thoughts, whether directed outward or inward. But I still feel like I am trudging along, intent on taking a self-beating for some past indiscretions or missed opportunities.

However, I still do think about the future. I want to feel happy. I want to be a father at some point. I want love in my life, more than anything (When I can finally realize that my ability to love is still intact and that I should not let past relationships blacken it, I will, in a sense, "level up"). Until then, my thoughts and actions will still be struggles beyond exclusively taking Prozac and getting over it.